Do we really believe in karma, or is life just unfair? Maybe a better question is whose unfair is more unfair? I feel shitty for feeling shitty. I really have pretty good circumstances. I know how fortunate I am. But I still feel pressure. A lot. All the time actually.
My ex would have said "that's because of capitalism. It makes you feel bad, they've done studies."
I'd do my best not to respond. If I did it would lead to some needless fight in which the only real progress made was toward our breakup.
I am fascinated by the difficulty of just about any endeavor. Are there people out there whose lives are just easy? I've really tried not to write anything too whiny, but I'm wondering if I'm just bottling my angst. If I bottle enough I can sell it for $1.29 at every corner store across the country, and maybe in China too, because of globalization. Which also makes people depressed, apparently.
I was at the gym yesterday and I was almost laughing at how hard it was to get through my workout. It wasn't even really that I was struggling with pace, or weights. It was with the why. Why am I in here 3-4 times a week to bust my ass, each time fighting through the urge to give up?
Well, because it's good for me. Because I know the alternative. I've been the alternative for all of my existence, save a for a few athletic years when I was in elementary school which really doesn't count.
I'm not whining. I'm dying. The shitty Marcus is dying that is. The one that reasons with himself to cut work early, to have another cigarette before bed, to drink too much, to spend too much. The guy who loved to pretend that he had no grasp on cause and effect for years and years, hurting everyone he loved.
I guess knowing what's good for you and doing it are completely different things.
Right now, I'm in the middle. I'm in transition.
Everything I do seems hard. It's crazy and I don't understand. Is it even possible that it's real or is it all imagined? It's like I'm putting pressure on myself so I don't forget to keep growing.
Often, I can't believe how uncomfortable I feel. At the same time, and for the first time in my life, I know how to deal with it. I know how to turn to it and face it down.
The challenge is in actually taking on the challenge. Not necessarily winning, or what have you, but simply in staying strong enough to say "not this time, I won't give up again."
And as you do that, you're rewarded...
with more challenges.
But at least they're on a new level, because you're on a new level.
Growth is hard. Sometimes we're forced into it by something tragic or painful. A great loss maybe. Or perhaps the repetitious nature of your mistakes become so mundane and humorless and obvious that you consciously choose to change.
Either way, know this...
the growing pains never stop.