Dear Marcus: There Aren't Enough Hours in the Day

Dear Marcus, 

I'm a huge fan of yours. I just purchased all the new "unauthorized" life-size posters of you and put them throughout my apartment to inspire me. I've printed and bound all your blogposts to make them into a book that I've taken the liberty of titling "My Favorite Book." I've even put all your Make My Day episodes onto individual cassette tapes so I can listen to them while I'm cruising in my 1985 Pontiac Fiero. 

Let's be honest, you're an inspiration to me. But I need help. I'm having a hard time "getting things done," as you so eloquently put it. I'm trying to balance all my craigslist postings, making and eating meals, as well as having a job. Not to mention women! Am I right? You gotta help me! What should I do?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Canned Handlet


Hey Canned. Thanks for being so supportive. Its people like you that make everything possible. You truly make the world a better place.

Productivity is key in today's modern age. In fact productivity has always been important. Scientists recently discovered that dinosaurs actually ate their prey in one crunchy chew in order to save time so that they could get back to work sooner. Some even say that tools were inspired and created to help ancient humans do things faster and more efficiently.

You seem like a really intelligent person, so I'll skip the basics and give you some advanced pointers from my official life course, How I Live Fast and Look Young: A Guidebook.

1.  Monitor Cigarette Consumption: How many of those death sticks are you sucking a day. Some doctors are starting to uncover preliminary research that might lead one to conclude that smoking could be bad for you. I recommend cutting back to a more reasonable 17 per day.

2. Alcohol and YOU: Most people who are young and considered "cool" by bloggers and others in the know believe alcohol to be objectively good for having fun, meeting people, and "dating..." I recommend taking some time on the dryer side of the island if you know what I mean. You might immediately start noticing that you have more hours of productivity that you previously did not, including but not limited to the morning, afternoon, or even at night. 

3. Exercise Shmecksorsize: Contrary to what your heart is telling you, it's time to hop onto that treadmill and fire it up to a smoking 3.5mph. I personally find a regular exercise regimen to be calming and empowering. If you haven't yet, head over to to check out a wealth of exercise video outtakes that can be just as valuable as the expensive VHS workout tapes we all used to buy at Target.

I don't wanna overwhelm you with excellent advice, so lets stop for now. Feel free to check back in by sending me an email at

Good luck on your new path to success,



Editors Note: You too can write Marcus at