Dear Marcus: How Long Does it Hurt?

Hey Marcus,

Really hope you're well. I'm writing you today because I've been struggling with a breakup that happened a few months ago. I know what you're thinking "get a life bro, there's so many baes in the sea, no need to worry," and I understand what you mean. The problem is that its easier said than done. Sure sometimes I can go hours without thinking about this girl, but often times I'm trying my best not to text her certain sentiments ranging from mean to nice. My life coach Gordo told me not to talk to her cuz "she ain't even half good enough for you brah," but it still hurts, naw mean? You seem to have perfectly navigated your recent breakup. Can you provide me with any advice, bro to bro?

With hope,

Goodbye Curious


Hello Goodbye,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Its rough, boy don't I know it. I remember the first time I had my heartbroken a few months ago. It must have taken hours to get over that one. Never wanna do that again. That why its always best to do the breaking up rather than to be broken up with. In terms of practical advice, I'll recommend some things that worked for me during those dark moments.

1.  Transcendental Meditation: I recommend mastering this technique. Invented in the late 16th century by Ibrahim Linkin, Transcendental Meditation has helped thousands of people over the last several years feel comfortable in their black skin tight LuLu Lemon pants.

2. Mini Golf: I can't tell you how many chicks I meet playing mini golf. Its incredible. Generally I'll hit up Peter Pan on South Lamar around 3pm on a Tuesday during the summer with a flask and just start hitting balls. Sooner or later a couple of "mulligans" might turn into a "hole in one. " 

3. Make Money: Every ailment is remedied by some amount of money. Depending on how much pain you're feeling, you might need to make more money to fill that hole. I would just get out there on the stock market and start making big bets. You're bound to hit on one of them. Also scratch-off's are a good way to ease the pain.

Hope that helps,


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